Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes.  The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"

A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates,  Even Better NO₃^-'s"

Sometimes people can get carried away with a danger that isn't real!  A group is working hard to ban the "potentially dangerous" chemical,  dihydrogen monoxide (water) - check out the research on this subject.  

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?   Because it was polar.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?  A one molar solution.

 What do dipoles say in passing?  "Have you got a moment?"

Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?   Because it's in the ground state.

What do you do with a dead chemists?  Barium

What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?  A KNiFe.

What did one titration tell the other?  Let's meet at the endpoint.

Why are chemists great for solving problems?   They have all the solutions.

Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?  He just couldn't put it down.

Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?  Because it's basic material.

What is a cation afraid of?  A dogion.

What did the Cowboy Chemist tell his horse?  HIO Ag!!!!

How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado's number.

Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?  They bonded well from the minute they met.

What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?  Methylated spirits.

 If H₂0 is water what is H₂0₄?  Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .

According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse?  Because it's made up of alkynes of people.

What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking?  In Chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.

A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guest's joules.  A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one. The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was. He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.

A freshman chemistry student prepared a standard solution and showed it to her professor. The professor gave her a puzzled look, and said: This solution looks a bit WEIRD. Are you sure you used the right set of reagents? The student replied: Absolutely. According to my calculations, this is one NORMAL solution.