Grade School
Q: Why can't you trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything.
Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn't put it down.
Q: If H20 is water what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . . 
Famous last words from chemists:
High School
Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure??" "Yes, I'm positive!"
Q: What do you do with dead chemists?
A: Barium
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a drink. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
Q: Why didn't the physics and biology teachers get along?
A: They had no chemistry. 
Q: How often should you tell a chemistry joke?
A: Periodically
Q: What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of helium?
A: HeHe 
Q: Are there any good jokes about sodium?
A: Na 
Q: What kind of weapon can you make out of Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: A KNiFe 
Silver walks up to an element and says "A" "u" give me all your gold.
The element looks back at silver and says "A" "g" you can have it.
Q: What do you call two diamonds out on the town?
A: Carbon dating. 
Gold walks into a shop.
The shop keeper says " Au, get outta here!" 
Q: Why did the noble gas cry?
A: Because all his friends argon.
2 chem nerds greet each other.
One says "helium yttrium". The other says "hydrogen iodide" ! 
Did you hear that oxygen proposed to magnesium?
OMg!
The name's bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.
Q: What do you call a purse filled with sulfur, tungsten and silver?
A: A SWAg bag. 
Q: What do you get by mixing barium with two atoms of sodium?
A: A BaNaNa 
Q: Why are the noble gasses so lonely?
A: Because they're most stable alone.
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean. The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned. The chemist thought for awhile then noted in his lab notebook: "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water." College
Q: Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
A: Because it was polar.
A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads: "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3- 's"
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution. 
Q: Why did the medieval chemist travel the world?
A: He wanted to master alchemy. 
Q: What's Avogadro's favorite animal?
A: A mole. 
A cloud of radon floats into a cafe.
The waiter says, "we don't serve inert gases here". There was no reaction from the radon. 
A lawyer and scientist are having lunch together. The scientist orders H2O, so to look smart the lawyer says "I'll have H2O too." When the drinks came they both took a large gulp and the lawyer died.
Methyl was playing outside so his mom called out the window for him to come home. She was quite surprised, however, when Dimethyl Ether, their neighbor, came instead. Why? Because she called "CH3 - O - CH3!".
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates?
A: They're cheaper than day rates. 
A sodium atom and a chlorine atom got into a skirmish.
Both were arrested for a salt. 
Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro's number! 
Q: Where do amino acids go to pray?
A: The cysteine chapel.
If Iron Man teamed up with Silver Surfer they would be alloys!
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