Q: Why can't you trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything.
Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn't put it down.
Q: If H20 is water what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .
Famous last words from chemists:
Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Q: What do you do with dead chemists?
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a drink. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
Q: Why didn't the physics and biology teachers get along?
A: They had no chemistry.
Q: How often should you tell a chemistry joke?
Q: What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of helium?
Q: Are there any good jokes about sodium?
Q: What kind of weapon can you make out of Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: A KNiFe
Silver walks up to an element and says "A" "u" give me all your gold.
The element looks back at silver and says "A" "g" you can have it.
Q: What do you call two diamonds out on the town?
A: Carbon dating.
Gold walks into a shop.
The shop keeper says " Au, get outta here!"
Q: Why did the noble gas cry?
A: Because all his friends argon.
2 chem nerds greet each other.
One says "helium yttrium". The other says "hydrogen iodide" !
Did you hear that oxygen proposed to magnesium?
The name's bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.
Q: What do you call a purse filled with sulfur, tungsten and silver?
A: A SWAg bag.
Q: What do you get by mixing barium with two atoms of sodium?
A: A BaNaNa
Q: Why are the noble gasses so lonely?
A: Because they're most stable alone.
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean. The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned.
The chemist thought for awhile then noted in his lab notebook: "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water."
Q: Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
A: Because it was polar.
A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads: "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3- 's"
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.
Q: Why did the medieval chemist travel the world?
A: He wanted to master alchemy.
Q: What's Avogadro's favorite animal?
A: A mole.
A cloud of radon floats into a cafe.
The waiter says, "we don't serve inert gases here". There was no reaction from the radon.
A lawyer and scientist are having lunch together. The scientist orders H2O, so to look smart the lawyer says "I'll have H2O too." When the drinks came they both took a large gulp and the lawyer died.
Methyl was playing outside so his mom called out the window for him to come home. She was quite surprised, however, when Dimethyl Ether, their neighbor, came instead. Why? Because she called "CH3 - O - CH3!".
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
A sodium atom and a chlorine atom got into a skirmish.
Both were arrested for a salt.
Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro's number!
Q: Where do amino acids go to pray?
A: The cysteine chapel.
If Iron Man teamed up with Silver Surfer they would be alloys!
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a handsome prince." She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I'll be your devoted boyfriend." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a handsome prince, and that I'll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog......that's cool!"
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked?
A: That Hertz!
Q: What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, then fold up a road map the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: How do marine invertebrates pay for their beer?
A: With bar-nickels.
Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk
A couple of biologists had twins.
They named one Mary and the other Control.
Q: What's the best way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Q: Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the best medical elements?
A: Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.
Q: What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
A: I really like your style.
I wish I was adenine, then I could get paired with U.
Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8.
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.
A farmer counted 38 sheep in his field, but when he rounded them up, he had 40.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
[If you don't get it you should try our Cool Math activity]
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of an igloo by its diameter?
A: Eskimo Pi
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi
Q: What do you call 1000 grams of wet socks?
A: 1 liter hosen
Q: What do you call 10 playing cards?
A: 1 decacards
Q: What do you call 0.000001 mouthwash?
A: 1 microscope
Q: What did the 30 degree angle say to the 90 degree angle?
A: "You think you're always right!"
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're always plotting something.
Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high; the second one, about a meter too low; the third one yells, “We got it!”
Q: Why do pirates like algebra?
A: Annex marks the spot.
STUDY = DON'T FAIL (common equation)
DON'T STUDY = FAIL (common enough)
STUDY + DON'T STUDY = DON'T FAIL + FAIL (axiom)
STUDY(1+DON'T) = FAIL(1+DON'T) (factorized)
divide both sides by (1+DON'T)
STUDY = FAIL
The rotation of the Earth makes my day!
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is good, but there's just no atmosphere.
Q: Why is a moon rock tastier than an Earth rock?
A: It’s a little meteor.
Q: Why does the moon orbit the Earth?
A: To get to the other side??
Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
The puzzled astronomy student spent all night wondering where the Sun went...
...but then it dawned on him.
Flat Earthers have nothing to fear...
...but sphere itself!
Q: What did the boy magnet say to the girl magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were quite repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Q: What do you call 1 kilogram of falling figs?
A: 1 Fig Newton
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
A physicist's favorite bumper sticker: "Absolute zero is really cool!"
A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
Q: What is a nuclear physicist's favorite meal?
A: Fission Chips.
What a physicist hears when he watches "Star Wars":
"May the mass times acceleration be with you!"
A man was recently cooled to absolute zero- but he's 0K now.
Did you hear about the physicist who was reading a great book on anti-gravity?
He couldn't put it down.
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
Dr. Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".
Both broken and unbroken until you open the door.
Q. Why is quantum mechanics the original "original hipster"?
A. It described the universe before it was cool.
There's a new theory of inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.